Let's get exploited

Lots of us have been wondering why thousands of secular Israelis will be descending upon Bet Shemesh Tuesday evening. After all, there were more tzadikim in Sodom than there are Ashkenazi chilonim in contemporary Bet Shemesh (not including undercover chassidish crypto-non-believers). So, 24 hours before the dubious reinforcements arrive, ChadashAsur takes you behind the scenes at the conception of the Thousands of Israelis Will Protect Naama facebook group.

The conversation that probably didn't happen:

"Yooo, look at that adorable 7 year-old Naama trying to walk with her mommy to the neighborhood wholesome traditional school being oppressed by libidinous older men. Let's get together to show our support for such a likeable community. They are really the future of the Jewish people and this is the time to stand with them and show those charedim that their misguided form of Judaism won't stand in the way of our National Religious brethren."

Naaaa. ChadashAsur wasn't convinced either! Let's try again.

Another conversation that probably didn't happen:

"Can you believe what is happening in Bet Shemesh? Separate busses, separate sidewalks, Taliban women, disregard for the rule of law, and now going after little kids? I tell you, Bet Shemesh today, Jerusalem tomorrow, and Ramat Aviv the next day. At the rate these charedim breed, I honestly fear that by the next Sylvester party my favorite night club on Even Gvirol will have an all-male bar and separate restrooms! We have to act selflessly and drive all the way past Natbag to that backwater periferiya maabara to try and save what is left of Herzl's dream. If you will it, it is no dream."

 A little more realistic, but give me a break. 

Here's what probably went down last week somewhere in Tel Aviv at 3am:

"Sheeet, Ophir. Here we are only 13 months before the next elections, and we still don't have an idea for a party. We could carry on about how we're still stuck with the same old parties, Likud, Labor, Meretz (don't even talk to me about those ex-Likudnikim in Kadima). But look at all the dudes who have tried that and failed - the Third Way, Mifleget haMercaz, even those Pensioners יבדל"א. What can we do? I don't have a job lined up for next year and that Daphne Leaf stole my other idea. 

 Well, no alternative, we have to go with the usual Haredi bashing unless you can think of something better. Listen, my uncle knows Yair Lapid - they both spent their army service drinking coffee at the BaMachaneh magazine HQ in Tel Aviv. He's got this Friday night TV show. Let's get him to regurgitate that youtube video from a few months ago in that hick town - forgot the name, was it Beer Sheva or BS something? - with the dosim throwing stuff at little girls. Then we organize a protest, we get to speak, and who knows where it can go from there? If there aren't any terrorist attacks that week, all the networks will jump on it.

We keep this up for a week or two, go back to Tel Aviv, and leave those right-wingers to do our dirty work battling it out over their madrassa with the charedim. Face it, aren't right wingers and charedim the two reasons why this country sucks? When the dust settles you'll see how many birds we get with this stone. 

 

And here's the best part - these aren't your usual datiim who know our schtik and are too smart to play along. They're a bunch of naive Americans who left Fifth Avenue to live in some development town, for some kind of ideals. I mean, these are just a bunch of Baruch Goldsteins who can't even say "Orot" without sounding like Tal Brody.

[Jump to Monday Dec. 26:] Oops. I hope none of those Rabin-killer Mafdal settlers in Sheinfeld really listened to Esti Moscowitz on the radio this morning. They might see through this and stay home."

 

P.S. This is satire. But ask yourselves: 

• Why is this happening now? In September when we were really under fire, the media and facebook couldn't be bothered.
• How will Orot and Bet Shemesh be better off next month when the world has forgotten and won't care that the police stop returning calls?
• How long will it take to see a facebook group with the very same (non-local) members against segregated religious schools such as Orot?
• Whose interests is this campaign meant to serve? In Israel nothing happens in a void.

וְאִישׁ בְּרֵעֵהוּ יְהָתֵלּוּ וֶאֱמֶת לֹא יְדַבֵּרוּ
לִמְּדוּ לְשׁוֹנָם דַּבֶּר שֶׁקֶר הַעֲוֵה נִלְאוּ

ירמיהו ט ד